“You’ve got to be in it to win it”
This is the kind of well-intentioned, if slightly irritating, advice friends, happily ensconced in (so-solid) relationships, dish out in spades.
They are normally the same people who’ve never actually Done It themselves, although they all know a friend of a friend who met their partner 'that way'…now they’re married with 2.3 kids, half-a-labrador and living in the suburbs in domestic nirvana, you know you really should give it a go, blah, blah, blah, what have you got to lose? I am talking about internet dating and the answer to their question is simple: my dignity.
Like communism and sliced white bread, internet dating seems like a good idea. A concept based on good sportsmanship and convenience, which somehow, in practical translation, is brutal and not very good for you. Having said that, I’m quite sure (cos a friend of a friend of a friend has, apparently, met their life partner through it) that, even in the cynical world of cyber romance, there are proper winners – perfectly matched souls whose glitteringly paths on the information superhighway of love wouldn’t have crossed under normal celestial town planning. But, in the same way that, after a major rollover, Camelot’s going to be phoning somebody, somewhere to tell them some bloody good news, the vast majority of us will be screwing up our numbers and throwing them out with yesterday’s takeaway. Quite simply, the odds are not on our side.
So why am I taking this advice to heart when I know I have more chance of being stuck by lightening or being eaten by sharks AT THE SAME TIME than find a half-decent man on the internet? Because, my inner compass appears to be stuck and it hasn't led me to that special someone in the real world.
Trouble is, I already have a terrible reputation with men. To say I am known for being a little unlucky in love is a bit like saying Italians are known for quite liking pasta. Even this blog entry is a request - made by several friends – for a quick rundown of my more notorious encounters. Too bad. I don't have the energy to delve into those right now. However, for the amusement of friends (who’ve heard these all before anyway), friends of friends and complete strangers alike (hello), here is a quick rundown of a few internet dating highlights from this year. Brace yourself.
The Ad Exec – a funny and intelligent date until halfway through dinner when he suddenly leaned across the table and said matter-of-factly:
“Oh, I didn’t realise you had such large breasts. Look, I’m not really a breast man so hope you don’t mind if I don’t fondle them very much?”
The Accountant – A very, very, very, nice man who, tragically, happened to be very, very, very dull.
Him (in full flow): "I’ve got this GREAT drinking story to tell ya, really wild. Soo, I’m at this work do, right? And I drank waay too much. I mean, waay too much. I was sooo drunk that, when I staggered to the toilet – and BELIEVE ME, I don’t remember this at all. Anyway, I stagger into the toilet. OFF MY TITS! Head to a stall and walk in on my boss ON THE TOILET! And, because, you know, because I was sooo drunk? I just stood there and pointed at him. And I laughed. I didn’t even CLOSE THE DOOR!!! It was BRILLIANT! You know what I mean?”
Me: “I don’t know what to say.”
The Guy Who Did Something in Housing – “I don’t fancy you” he says on my arrival. He bears more than a passing resemblance to Toad from Toad Hall.
The Mute – Worked in design. Didn’t speak and barely lifted his chin from his pint glass. He dribbled.
The Embittered Literary Agent – Yeesh. Angry man.
“I know what you’re going to do, you’re going to stay for one drink with me before buggering off PROBABLY TO ANOTHER DATE because, well look at you and then look at me…you girls are ALL THE SAME! You know, you really need to go on MORE THAN ONE DATE with a man to see if you have the chemistry – its not all about looks!”
The American Security Consultant – touchy feely in email, turned out to be an utter fascist in real life. Really, you could probably see that one coming. I didn’t.
The Movie Writer – in his photo, he looked a bit like a young Robin Williams. In reality, he looked like Robin Williams. Only older.
I can’t decide if its my shoulders or my internal compass that needs a damn good shaking...
2 comments:
It's a known fact that great women have the worst internet dates, by far.
Being on the opposite side and having met five lovely ladies now in as many weeks, I have yet to experience anything resembling an unsuccessful date. The only remotely awkward moment was on my first encounter with C and within five minutes of meeting I managed to pour an entire cup of hot tea into my groin.
Of course, one could argue that they were all unsuccessful if you consider the measure of success to be a second date, but I certainly have nothing bad to say about any of my recent 'introductions'. And indeed I have made some friends from this, your good self included.
Clearly I have excellent taste in women and very good judgement about women who would make a great date. Perhaps, to liven things up a little, I should instead be writing to the 30 year old who looks like my dead grandmother or the 18 year old nymphette who likes 'indie guys with spiky hair and really tight jeans'.
Hmmm... With a bit of Photoshop, I think I could string her along for a bit. Now, where are those tiny denims?
Hey Matt! I'm afraid you don't qualify for my List of Shame. And just say no (no, just say no) to the Photoshop. A whole heap of wrongness in my book...
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